It's okay to be afraid
by Delittana
Summary: Collection of one-shots purely Clexa on missing moments to the future or past. Love, pain, fear... all about this amazing ship. Enjoy it!
1. Chapter 1

"C'mon! Is this all? Is this your best?" another strong fist came on her face. Her lip was bleeding.

"You are a stupid child Lexa. That's not enough." Anya said, continuing to hit Lexa's body now on the ground.

The people around could not stop laughing , making fun of her. Each laugh was a stab to her heart, she had never felt so humiliated.

"Kill her!" a big and tall man screamed in the background.

"And do you want to be my second?" the commander said disgusted. "This will never happen!" Anya spat on her face, making the sign of retreat and walking away.

"You are a piece of shit. How can I love you? You are so weak and …I can't find words to describe how much you make me sick." Clarke threw her necklace of cloth on the ground, that was a Lexa's gift. "I won't be anymore with a loser like you. Never."

"Clarke please, don't leave me. I'm nothing without you." She whispered with the little breath she had, but the blonde one was already walked away.

* * *

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh" Lexa awoke suddenly. Every single piece of her skin was trembled. She looked around and realized to be exactly in her room.

The moonlight just penetrated the window illuminating her face. She was completely surrounded by silence, except for the items in the distance, probably some guards were trying to stay awake during their turn.

Now it was days that she had always the same dream. Actually a part really happened, when she was young. Before starting her training as a commander. She could never forget the pain and the shame of that day. The way she felt helpless.

But the thing that hurted her the most was the figure of Clarke walking away from her. The person that she loved. The only person who made her alive. Who made her feel something. She would never allow her to leave. Never again because now she was her world. No more lies. No more betrayals. Even to save her people. Because she was alive thanks to her, and that was enough.

Thinking about that stuff, Lexa did not notice fix the naked body of the blonde at her side. It could not look more beautiful illuminated by the rays of the moon. Her back was so smooth and she could see the muscles of the shoulders just contracts. She could not stop looking at her, never.

The last woman with she had made love was Costia. Many years ago and now, with Clarke it was all so different. At the same time it was special as the first time. She didn't know how she felt. But It was good. That was for sure.

After a long while she noticed the cold stone of the wall and with a small movement she tried to lay down again whitout making a sound, but Clarke seemed to notice and slowly turned to Lexa, awake now.

"Hey, what's happening?" She asked gently. "Why are you awake?"

"Uhm, bad dreams." The commander said shoal.

"What kind of dreams?"

"Nothing. Just stupid dreams… "

"Ouh, okay…" she said sadly, feeling that something was wrong.

"Clarke…"

"Yes?"

"Can you go back to sleep?"

"Why?"

"I love the way you sleep. Your face looks so relaxed. You calm me." Lexa could watch her sleep forever without getting tired. Like ever.

Clarke seemed surprised by those words. Lexa usually was not so sweet, especially in front of others.

But when they were alone, she was hers, she almost seemed to be another person. But Clarke knew that was the same Lexa ,only with a mask.

The blonde slowly approached her hands to her face, touching it so sweetly that Lexa's breathing stopped. Clarke closed her eyes, holding her breath and trying to save in her own mind every stretch of her perfect face. Every wrinkle of her skin. She loved Lexa's face without war paints, she seemed so pure and younger.

She touched her lips with just a finger, hearing on it her warm breath. Lexa closed her eyes too.

"What are you doing?" she whispered.

"Shhhh…"

Clarke leaned forward slightly, placing her lips on hers. The commander returned the kiss slowly, enjoying every single emotion that the kiss caused in her. How their lips overlapped to perfection.

The blonde one opened her mouth and Lexa didn't think two times to deepen that contact.

They broke away only when oxygen was starting to miss.

"I think that I-" Clarke paused.

Lexa was confused, she had no idea what Clarke was going to say.

"What is this?" she said at last, noticed a scar on her chest.

Lexa pulled up, but that movement was hard to make because Clarke sat on her.

"This? I made it when I was a child."

"How?"

"My father beat me. It was summer and I wanted play so bad with his sword, so he lost his patience and hit me. I screamed and he threatened me to make silence, took his sword pointing it on my chest… and this is the result." She smiled sadly.

"I'm sorry I didn't know.."

"It's okay. He is gone." Lexa said smiling at her.

Clarke looked down, staring at the scar and touching it with a soft movement.

"Promise me that you will never walk away from me.." She said suddenly. Lexa's words seemed almost a pray. At that time she felt so insecure and she did not know why. That were months they were together. Months that Clarke was hers.

"Lexa I could never do this to you." She admitted.

"Why? I betrayed you when you needed me the most. I'm wrong Clarke, I killed so many people. People around me always die. You must be miles away from me. Why are you still here?"

"Don't you see that?" Clarke moved away slightly, her gaze was hard, but Lexa noted the tears in it.

"What?"

"I'm in love with you."

Lexa's heart lost a beat.

"How is this possible?"

"Oh great!" Clarke rose from the bed, wearing her pants, but Lexa stopped her just in time, holding wrist.

"Okay.. I'm sorry, this is not the job for me. I'm not so good with feelings or other of this stuff." She tried to turn her with success.

"I love you, Lexa." A tear walked on her face. "I've tried not to, but I just can't. That's crazy I know, but I love all about you. I always did. I love the way you secretly smile to me. I love your green eyes. I love the small crack that forms at the corner of your eyes everytime you are angry. I love the way you take your sword. I love the tone of your voice. I love the way you are so cold, but when you are with me you are not like that anymore. This makes me special. I love you, this is the reason why I'm still here. Not me. You. And at first I hated myself for this because the major reasons of my pain was you. And I've never thought that I could fell for a person like you. But this is the truth and I can't fight against me because at the end, however I don't want it….I'm yours."

Lexa's eyes widened. Her body moved suddenly, almost as if she was not the one who control it.

She kissed Clarke with passion, as if she wanted to make her feel the reality. Words weren't enough to prove her love, but she needed to say that three words at least once: "I love you." Lexa kissed her again, caressing every line of her body.

"Please…" the blonde whispered under her touch.

The commander nodded, loosing again the button of the trousers.

"I won't belong to anybody, except you." She paused , mirroring in her blue eyes. "Never." She said before losing in her, again and again.

* * *

**Slayer's corner:** written during the night. What do you think guys? Kisses.


	2. i never forget you (pt 1)

"Heda! Heda! Heda!" the chorus of the crowd were elevated to the sky.

Lexa nodded and raised her hand asking for silence.

"Who is this?"

"A man from the ice nation." Indra said contemptuously.

"Why are you here?"

The leader of the tree people pushed him forward. The man fell on the ground, without strength.

"I'm still waiting." The commander said with little patience.

"I have to talk with you in private." He said as he could.

"My people can hear everything."

"No, this is about you, the queen sends me to talk only with you."

"No way, i don't trust you." She made a step forward.

"Please, heda." He pleaded.

The commander wavered, but when Indra said "kill him", she unsheathed her sword.

"It's your last chance... Talk or die."

"I have the order to talk only with you. I have something that you want."

Lexa hesitated , looking at him confused.

"My name is Earl, please, give me the chance to talk with you in private."

Lexa's face was wet. The rain was falling down copiously. The feeling of the water on her skin made her pure. But she wasn't pure, or innocent. She was going to kill that man. Because she was the commander and this was what she had to do to keep that role and be respected.

Lexa made a deeply breath, trying not to think about what was going on.

A cold wind moved her hair. The rain was still falling. Her war paints were washing off by the drops. The ink was smudged. Her eyes were empty.

She raised the sword, cutting the air.

"Please" the man said, a tear ran down his face.

"Please." Again.

The rain fell from the sky with more violence.

"You haven't talked...so you now die." She loaded the shot, but just before the sword touched his neck, a voice screamed in the background.

"Noooo! Lexa,please,don't do this!"

Clarke ran quickly to the commander.

Lexa lowered her weapon.

"Why? Do you know him?"

"No..but it's not necessary."

The man whispered, thinking he was safe.

"If he doesn't talk, he is not necessary." She said.

"I know, but neither is pouring other blood. This isn't what you are." Clarke said looking in her green eyes. Her gaze was imploring.

"You are wrong. This is exactly who I am." She paused, making another breath. "What we are."

"No, it's not. Lexa..."

"Okay." The commander put down her sword.

Clarke made a sigh, smiling at the man.

"Indra,kill him." She ordered, grabbing Clarke by her arm, without sweetness.

"No!" The blondie tried to free herself without success.

The rain was still falling on them, washing off the blood of the man and the tears of Clarke too.

* * *

"What's wrong with you!?" Clarke pushed Lexa away, freeing herself from that grasp.

The commander didn't answer. They were in her room.

"Why are you so damn cold? Everytime I think that you are still changing, you send everything to fuck. Screw you Lexa!" She shouted angry.

"You must calm down,Clarke."

"No! You have just killed that man for nothing!"

"Not for nothing, but for justice."

"Justice?" The blondie laughed with sarcasm.

"Have you called this shit justice?"

"Yes. He didn't talk."

"He would have talked if you had given him a chance."

"No, he would kill me."

"You can't be sure."

"No, but it was too dangerous."

"You are crazy. I need some air." Clarke tried to walk away,but Lexa's hand was too fast in grabbing Clarke's that she stopped.

"Please, don't go." The commander whispered.

"Why?"

Lexa avoided her blue eyes.

"Why?" Clarke's tone was louder this time.

"Nothing." The commander said at the end.

"Always the same story. Lexa. I can't do this anymore. I'm still trying to trust you...I swear, after all of your shit. But all you do is make things worse. I'm so tired."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you are sorry."

"I'm still trying to be better. For you. Because I care about you and about us. But I'm still the commander and I have to make my people safe too. Our people safe. Ground and sky."

"Yeah, but you must trust me too. We are in charge. Not only you."

"You're right. I am really sorry." Lexa made a step forward, gently caressing Clarke's cheek.

She whispered under that touch.

Their eyes were full of passion. Lexa grabbed Clarke's face and slowly kissed her forehead. The blondie closed her eyes, making a deep breath.

"You know, I'm not ready. I need more time, I need..."

"Yeah, I know. It's Finn and then I have also made too many mistakes." She turned away from the contact.

"Yeah." Clarke said sadly and sure at the same time. "Lexa?"

"What?"

"Is your promise still valid?"

"Always."

"Do you think that this is the moment?"

"If you want..."

"Yeah, I think that I want it. I want you to teach me war paints." Her tone didn't seem angry anymore. So did her gaze. Lexa had this special power on her.

"Okay, but you said that it would have happened only if we had been together.."

"I know, but I need… I need to have something with you." She admitted.

Lexa smiled. "Can I dry your face?" the commander asked embarrassed.

"Sure…" Clarke handed her the towel.

Lexa tried to be as gentle as possible, touching slowly her face, trying not to cross the blue eyes.

Clarke was so beautiful. A Goddess. No. Better. All she wanted was to kiss her, but Clarke had been clear. She was not ready and so she would have waited… maybe forever.

When Lexa was with her she felt alive again. How a big rush of adrenaline ran through her body. She felt how everything could be possible. How every fucking error could be forgotten or forgiven. She wanted Clarke so bad, but she would never and ever showed it.

"Okay, done." The commander removed her hand from Clarke's face.

"Thank you…" she said, passing a strand of hair behind her ear. A slight blush tinged her cheeks. "So, where do we start?"

Lexa took the container with ink.

"Now I paint your right eye and then you'll try to make the left one, okay?"

Clarke nodded with safety.

The commander dipped two of her fingers in the liquid. When they touched Clarke's face, she closed her eyes. In her mind she tried not to sigh because her heart was beating so fast in that moment, but at the same time she was heartened by the trembling of Lexa's hand.

"Wow" Lexa whispered.

Clarke's face was a little dirty. The ink had covered a part of her eye and the right cheek.

She smiled, noticing how more beautiful the blondie was covered by a war paint.

paint.

"What?" Clarke asked confused, opening her eyes.

The commander didn't answer at first, still looking into her blue eyes. Her hand was still trembling.

"Nothing."

"It's funny, do you know? I have never seen you smile.."

"You don't pay too much attention." She said cleaning up her fingers. "Look.."

Clarke reflected herself in the mirror and she was surprised.

"Wow.."

"I said this first."

"How do you do this?" she asked, slowly touching her skin.

"My sister taught me."

"Have you a sister?"

"unfortunately yes…" she said, but her gaze was empty.

Clarke noticed it, but the curiosity was too much. She knew so little about Lexa. It was true ,she was not ready to be with anyone , but she had feelings for her.

"Why? I mean, why do you say 'unfortunately'?" the leader of sky people asked, but her voice was trembling.

Lexa made a sarcastic smile. "Because she is the queen of ice nation." The commander said with a very glacial tone.

"I'm… I didn't know."

Lexa nodded.

Clarke noticed her discomfort and spontaneously hugged her hand.

The silence was broken by Lexa who left the other hand and she offered the container to Clarke.

"It's your turn."

"Okay…"

Clarke tried to make a perfect replication of the paint at the right, but it seemed too hard. Indeed the only thing she made was a big black stain on the cheek.

"You're so clumsy!" for the first time after years Lexa laughed heartily.

"This is not a job for me! I've never done this before.. stop making fun of me!" the blondie said angry then burst out laughing with her. "Bingo! Two times in a day.. we have a winner!" she pointed herself.

"Okay, I'll help you." Lexa became serious again and positioned herself behind Clarke's body. She grabbed her hips and slowly caressed them before touching her arms.

Clarke closed her eyes and took a very deep breath. Her skin was burning under the delicate touch of Lexa.

"It's simple, do you see?" She whispered near her ear. Lexa's hand was on Clarke's one, driving it on her face.

The other hand was on her belly. Holding her.

"Yeah.." It was the only thing that Clarke could say. The room was shooting around them, They can still perceive the sexual tension between them.

Clarke slowly turned her body, being a few inches away from Lexa's face.

They were so close that Clarke could feel Lexa's hot breath on her lips. Her blue eyes were mirrored in the green ones as their images in the mirror.

"I think it's better for you to go now." The commander whispered on her mouth.

"I can't kiss you." She whispered.

"I know."

"But I don't want to leave too." Clarke touched Lexa's face with her fingers, tainting her cheek with the ink.

She slowly approached her lips to feel a contact. She wanted that contact, but….

* * *

"Heda!" a big and tall man entered in that room quickly. He seemed so afraid. His ear had lost a piece, bleeding.

"How do you dare?" Lexa was really angry this time. Her tone was so loud.

Clarke made a step back looking down embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, but there is a crazy lady out of there. She wants to talk with you. And she began to scream and to attack me and …"

"Lexa.." the girl whispered walking in the room. Her face was so dirty and her mouth was bleeding. She seemed so lean and tired. She was so much tired that she knelt to the ground.

Clarke noticed the wound and tried to come forward, but in that moment Lexa said, almost like a whisper, a small fucking word.

"Costia…" Her eyes were full of tears and pain.

Clarke 's body stopped, almost as if it were paralyzed. Her heart went up in her throat.

She managed to swallow her saliva only once, before her hand let go the ink container.

It fell on the floor making a big noise in the air and a very big stain on the ground.

* * *

**Slayer's corner:** this is one of three parts that there will be. I hope you all liked this. I wait for many comments. Goodnight from Italy and sorry for eventually errors. Kisses.


	3. i never forget you (pt 2)

"Costia!" Lexa walked quickly toward her, grabbing her body in her arms before it fell to the ground.

" Lexa.." she whispered, closing her eyes and fainting . The last thing she saw were the tears of the commander fell down her cheeks.

"Clarke! What are you waiting for? Help her! Clarke!" Lexa screamed, turning her head toward the blondie.

The girl was still paralyzed, but when Lexa screamed her name for the second time, she jumped, returning in herself and running to her.

"Please, save her… I.." Lexa begged her, looking in the blue eyes.

Clarke nodded, trying to take Costia on the bed.

"Help me.." she said and Lexa helped her.

"Okay, I need Nyko, and a very fine needle. She is hardly breathing, an hematoma is pressing on the airways. I need to expel the blood." Clarke said, wetting the affected area with a cloth , on the left of the chest.

"Boyle. Call Nyko, now!" the commander ordered with safety.

"Yes Heda." He obeyed and when the healer arrived, Clarke tried to do the right thing.

* * *

"Welcome back." Lexa smiled sweetly.

Costia seemed confused, it was some minutes before she remembered what had happened.

She was exactly how she remembered her. Her hair were a little longer than usual, but she was beautiful as always.

Her gaze was a little colder, but her eyes were still insightful. She could still see the pain in them.

That smile she gave only to her.

"How is this possible? You should be dead. I saw Axel when she cut your head." Now her gaze was empty.

"You saw only my clothes, my head was covered by a bag. You know the ice nation's mores."

"But…I don't understand." She shook her head, trying to join the pieces.

"How long have I slept?"

"A couple of days.. I didn't leave you even for a moment."

Costia nodded, smiling at her.

"How do you feel?" Lexa asked, taking off the rag from her forehead.

"I think I'm good. " she sat up slowly.

In that moment their eyes met for the first time after a long while, Costia smiled and spontaneously hugged the commander who squeezed her so hard to feel her body trembling.

"I've missed you so much.." Lexa whispered next to her hear, still hugging her.

"I was dying from how I missed you."

When their bodies detached , Costia lips were inches from hers, but the commander looked away, taking a step back without embarrassment.

"I…" she paused. "I need to know. If you can.." Lexa admitted.

"I told you, I'm okay… Can we go for a walk?"

"Of course…"

She offered a hand for help and moved to the tent's door.

The sun was still shining in the sky, lighting their tired faces. Summer days were the longest.

"I've missed all of this too." Costia said, noting every single particular of that city. "I've missed Polis."

She kept on walking aided by Lexa.

"Fine, I'm glad you like our city."

"Ask me. You 've never been good at being patient."

"Things are changed, Costia." The commander admitted… "I'm changed."

"No, you are not. You are beautiful as I remembered." She turned towards her, smiling.

"Where have you been?" Lexa asked quickly at the end.

"See? I know you. You are not so different from who you used to be" she made a sarcastic smile. "I have been locked up in your sister's palace since she took me. I have not seen other faces except for her and Mornie, my guard. He watched me all day and all night. Ceaselessly."

"Have you been tortured?"

"Nope.. I was treated like a queen."

"Why?" Lexa looked her confused.

"I don't know…"

The commander stopped her walk, turning to her, grabbing her arm without sweetness. Costia stopped too.

"Why didn't you look for me?" Her tone was louder this time.

A couple of walkers looked at them.

"Do you think I have not tried? I tried, Lexa, but all of you thought I was dead. I've tried to escape, but there was no way. And then Axel talked to me… she promised me that if I was patient I'd see you again. And here I am.. I have lived with this hope for years."

"But then why she did this to you ?" she paused "to us?"

"You know why."

"No, I don't. Because killing you was a revenge. I still don't understand."

"Why do you care? I told you what I had to do, I'm here now. Here with you."

Lexa nodded, going back to walk. "I'm sorry, I 'm so confused."

"It's okay."

"I must talk to her."

"There is not much time."

"What?"

"Who is she?" Costia asked, noting some blue eyes on her skin.

"Who?"

"She.." the girl nodded towards Clarke.

"She is our commander."

"I thought you were the commander."

"I am. We are in two now, our people merged."

"Uhm…Are you with her?"

"What?"

"I see the way she looks at you. She seems me."

Lexa heart stopped in her chest.

"Ohm, no you are wrong she isn't in love with me.. "

"I am." Costia whispered, grabbing her hand.

The commander swallowed her own saliva, taking a deep breath and trying not to be so agitated.

"She's looking at us because she cured you." She said at the end, hoping her voice didn't tremble.

"ah.." Costia opened her eyes, walking to her. "Hi.."

"Hi.." the blondie said quickly, first looking at her and then at Lexa.

"What's your name?"

"I'm Clarke…"

"Okay.. Clarke.. I'm Costia."

"I know who you are." She said cold.

"Good, I'm here to thank you.. Lexa told me that you took care of me."

"That's my job. I'm a doctor."

"I thought you were in charge."

"I am. I do both."

"Okay, you need to rest now." The commander said quickly feeling a weird tension in the air. "The sun is setting and Clarke is busy."

Costia nodded. "Nice to meet you, Clarke."

The blondie didn't answer, watching them go away.

* * *

"Here we are." Lexa showed her a big and comforting room.

"Wow…"

"I know, it is for important guests.. and you are." She smiled, heading to the door.

"Don't leave." Costia whispered, grabbing Lexa's wrist.

"I.. I need to get on the road toward the ice nation.. I have to talk with Axel."

"We haven't so much time." The girl said and quickly kissed her lips.

Lexa closed her eyes, whispered on her mouth. "I.."

"Please.." Costia kissed her again, more slowly this time. "I' m in love with you, I've always been in love with you." Another kiss.

"Ai hod in yu."

And in that moment Lexa could no longer resist, kissing her back with passion.

Costia whispered when Lexa's hand gently caressed her skin under the shirt.

They stopped that contact only when oxygen began to miss.

Costia undid the button of Lexa's pants.

"I can stop if you want."

The commander didn't answer, taking them off slowly.

"This is the thing I've missed the most.." Costia said, placing her naked body on the bed. "Making love with you." She whispered, licking her neck.

Her hand slowly traced a way on Lexa, passing beetwen her breasts.

She was still looking into her eyes when the commander shouted her name for the pleasure.

* * *

Lexa woke up with a jerk when the rays of the moon lit up her face. She turned toward the naked body of the girl by her side. She swallowed and quickly wore her own clothes, giving one last look at Costia sleeping, and then got out.

Clarke smiled when saw the commander arrive. The blondie was waiting for her, this time with so much anxiety.

"You came.." she said, seeing her sitting.

"Of course, it's friday night. I could never miss one lesson!"

Clarke nodded. "So, where were we?"

"Uhm, you had to tell me about Virgo."

"Right..look up."

Lexa rose her gaze, looking at Virgo constellation which Clarke was pointing.

"Virgo is one of the Greek constellations. It is associated with Dike, the Greek goddess of justice, holding the scales of justice represented by the neighbouring constellation Libra." She said.. "there isn't much about this one, but I think that Orion could be your favorite!"

"Why?"

"Because he was the hunter! Like a heda! "

"That's my favorite for sure!"

"Where is it?"

"There! On the right.."

"Wow!"

"Orion constellation represents the mythical hunter Orion, son of the sea god Poseidon and the Cretan princess Euryale. It is one of the oldest constellations known, also associated with the Sumerian myth of Gilgamesh."

"Confirmed, I love this constellation!" she paused.. "but which one is your favorite?"

"Lyra.." Clarke said, then looking into Lexa's eyes.

She looked back at her, smiling when the blondie blushed.

"This instrument was built by Mercury and then donated to Orpheus , the extraordinary singer who could tame the beasts and descended into hell , with his hand he managed to free his wife Eurydice . Unfortunately , he could not resist the urge to turn to look at her while she was following him in the journey from hell to Earth , and so was unwittingly condemned to final death . Desperately returned alone on the Earth , Orpheus died tragically torn by the Bacchae ."

"This is so romantic" Lexa said.

"Yeah, it is."

"But it is also very tragic.. a bit like us."

Lexa lost a beat when Clarke said those words. Silence fell on them, the only sound they heard was the one of crickets.

"I slept with Costia…" Lexa admitted, trying not to look at Clarke, but she could still feel her gaze on the skin.

"Oh.." this was all she could say, because her heart was still hurting for those three words: slept with Costia.

"Please, say something.." the commander begged her, trying to withhold the tears.

"It's okay, we aren't together. We only kissed once, that's all." She lied because she could feel the breath lacking in the chest.

Lexa nodded, but her gaze was sad.

"So, are you with Costia now?" Clarke asked feeling her heart bleeding in the chest for the fear. She didn't know if she still wanted that answer.

"I don't know..it's complicated."

"Love is complicated." The blondie said, mirroring her eyes in the green ones.

The commander nodded, slightly moving her hand, unintentionally touching Clarke's. She whispered under that touch, feeling immediately sorry.

"Sorry, I.."

"It's fine.." silence, again. The rays were still on there and Lexa thought that Clarke was more beautiful under that light.

For a moment they both hoped to be able to stay like this forever , but the reality was so fucking different.

"I'm leaving" Clarke admitted and Lexa suddenly froze.

"Where will you go?"

"I'll return to the camp.. to Bellamy.."

"Yeah, Bellamy…" Lexa looked away.

"To Octavia, Raven and my mom."

"When?"

"Practically now..the sun is going to rise."

Lexa got up from the ground. "Costia is going to wake up, she needs me."

"It was tonight right?" Clarke asked pleadingly.

"It was." She turned away. "Good luck." The commander said going away, while a tear ran down her face.

* * *

"Where have you been?"

"Are you awake?" Lexa asked, putting down her heavy jacket.

"Since you left." She paused "have you been to her, right?"

The commander nodded.

"I knew.. is she yours?"

"No.." her gaze was empty, but Costia still looked at her.

"And are you hers?"

Lexa lost a beat, closing her eyes and deeply breathing. She tried to answer , but the words died in her throat.

"You've never gone. Not after we have been together." The girl held back her tears.

"I told you, I have changed."

"No, your look is always the same , just it is not for me anymore ."

"Costia… I don.t know how I feel, I 've loved… I love you so much but…" she did not finish the sentence because the girl began coughing blood.

"Costia… what's happening?" Lexa grabbed her.

"We have no more time…" she whispered.

"What? Nyko!" The commander shouted, running out. Costia was still in her arms. "Nyko!" again, but the only figure that came up was not that of the healer.

The commander rested her knees to the ground, gently caressing Costia's hair who was bleeding.

"So the poison has taken effect." A cold voice said.

"Axel…" Lexa whispered, looking up. Her eyes were full of anger.

She drew her sword.

"Not so fast, darling… Make one false move and she dies." The ice queen said when Boyle showed himself with a prisoner. He pulled the knife on her neck.

"Clarke….." she whispere with wide eyes.

The first rays of dawn touched her pale face. A light wind moved her hair. She swallowed.

"Here we are, Lexa… you can decide who will live, _**again**_." Axel said with a evil smile on her face.

The commander stopped breathing, love had always been her weakness.

* * *

**Slayer's corner:** here we are, again. Thanks to my Robbins…. What do you think guys? Lexa who is going to choose? So many answers in the last one. I hope you all liked it and I wait for many comments Kisses!


	4. i never forget you (pt 3)

"Let her go! She has nothing to do with us." Lexa shouted to her sister. A real pain was in her words.

"With me no, but with you. Boyle checked you for months, he know how you look at her. I know how you look when you feel something for a person. She is really cute, but Costia?"

"Fuck you Axel. Let Clarke go!"

"If you choose to save Clarke, Costia will die. You can save only one of them."

"Why? Axel, why?"

The ice queen laughed so hard, her gaze seemed angry and amused at the same time.

"You really have the courage to ask? You are still a child Lexa." She spat on the ground.

"You've already punished me years ago. When you killed Costia even If she was alive. But I didn't know it. I loved her!"

"And now?"

"Please Axel, I'm sorry. I… please, give me the cure and let Clarke go."

"I can't little sister. I've promised you I gave you a life full of pain."

Costia coughed another time, spitting blood.

"Please, hold on. I will save you, I have to do. I can't lose you again." A tear walked down on her own face.

"It's ok, you know that I love you and slept with you tonight was enough for me." She paused, another cough. "I've dreamed that moment for so long."

"Please Costia, I..."

"You have to save Clarke, she looks at you like I look at you."

Lexa rose her gaze, looking in that blue eyes. She wasn't cry. She was strong.

"You are a dead man Boyle."

The man laughed, pushing the knife on Clarke's neck. It started to blood.

"Axel. I will let you live if you retire."

"No way, my army is actually marching in the forest. They will be here soon. Choose."

"Why? Tell me why!" the commander's voice was full of pain. The window still moved her long and brown hair. The sun was high in the sky. The rays touched Clarke's face and her blue eyes were shining.

Lexa thought she was beautiful.

"Really? How can't you remember? You killed her. You fucking killed our mom! And I'll hate you forever for this. You took her from me. The most precious thing in my own life, and now I'm going to pay you with the same coin, little twin."

Lexa started to cry copiously. Those words stabbed her heart with violence. That moment was one of the saddest in her own life, but she made a choice. Why was her life full of choices? She couldn't know. Costia was the only good thing to her and now there was Clarke. But she wasn't her. And maybe she will never be.

She killed her mom and some nights she was still crying thinking about her. But she had never regretted and maybe it was the thing that hurted the most.

* * *

"_Please Lexa, don't do this to me. To us."_

"_I can't, Axel. I have to do. This is my destiny."_

"_I'll give you all my power. You will be my second or the queen of the ice nation, but please don't kill her."_

"_You don't understand! This is my last test. If I pass it, I'll be the new commander."_

"_It is a stupid law. Please…."_

"_You are a temptation. You are my test."_

"_No! Lexa, I told you. I'll give you my crown!"_

"_Stop, please. I…"_

"_Lexa.. I know how much you care about this shit. How much you want to be the commander. But it's too much. This last test is too much. You can't kill your own blood. You don't want to do it. I know you."_

"_You're right, of course I don't, but I have to."_

"_She is our mother…"_

"_I know…"_

_A guard took the old girl in the arena. Axel tried to stop them, scraming a "Mom!", but she was captured by another guard who hit her in the stomach. She felt on the ground._

"_Hi mom..." the young girl drew her sword with elegance, cutting the air._

"_It's okay, I believe in you Lexa... I always did."_

"_I'm sorry mom, but I've promised you that I'll take all this pain from you. And I'm going to do."_

"_I know love, I'm ready."_

"_I love you, mom…" her eyes were full of tears._

"_I love you too." The girl closed her eyes, lowering her head. _

"_Lexa please! Lexa!" her sister screamed, wriggling between those powerful arms. "Mom! Mom!"_

"_I'm sorry big sis… I hope you will forgive me one day." And in that moment Lexa became the commander. _

_The blood of her mother had been paid. This was the price for that role. Only a girl with that strength could have the power. A girl willing to sacrifice. A girl who would give all of herself for her people, taking too painful choices._

_And Lexa was that girl._

* * *

"I'm sorry…" the commander whispered.

"You have already said it." Axel said disgusted.

"I'm not sorry for you."

"What?"

Lexa looked Clarke with a desperate gaze. Somehow she was apologizing.

The blonde gave to her a big smile, letting her know it was ok.

"To the moon, behind the stars, hiding in the universe." Lexa whispered under the gaze of others upset.

A knife covered in the blood feel to the ground. The commander's hands were dirty, again.

Her eternal curse. Blood always have blood and she knew it very well.

"I choose. Again, now go away." Her tone was broken.

"Wrong choice sister."

"What do you mean?" her green eyes were shelled.

"You took from me the most important person in my whole life. And Clarke is yours, so you have done the wrong choice. Boyle, kill her!" the queen ordered and the man nodded.

"Nooooo! Clarke… please." Her voice seemed a pray.

"Now!" The queen screamed louder this time.

"I don't think so." A voice in the background said. Lexa immediately recognized that mocking smile hidden in a tree. A very small knife penetrated the man's skull.

He fell to the ground quickly, without life.

Clarke was paralyzed, but when Lexa called her name, she quickly run to her, holding her body in a spontaneous hug.

At the first the commander remained firm, but when the blondie holded her stronger, she hugged her back, gently caressing her hair.

"It's okay, you are safe." She whispered next to her ear.

Clarke broke that contact and Lexa kissed her forehead, touching her cheek at last.

"Thank you, Okteivia." She said at the warrior.

"You're welcome commander, but I do it for Clarke and not for you."

"I know, but I am the same in your debt."

The warrior nodded safety.

"Axel, it's your time." Now her attention focused on her sister.

"I'll kill you both, my army is here." She laughed so hard. "Attack!" she ordered, but in that moment Octavia screamed to a very familiar mechanic a "Raven, now!"

The girl hidden in a bush showed herself, pushing a button.

"What?" Axel turning herself scared. "Attack!" she ordered again, but no one answered. "Attack!" again. No answers, again.

"What's happening?" she asked confused. "Why my army does not respond to my commands?"

"Well, I'm a very big meddlesome, so during my morning hunt I noticed strange movements. I saw people who were not of my march to Polis and so I asked my boyfriend. He told me that those armor belonged to the region of the ice. Indra told me that the commander wasn't on good terms with the queen." Octavia said.

"Where are they?"

"They sleep." A very big smile was on Raven's face.

"What?"

"Yeah, they are sleeping. When I've pushed the button a soporific fog was widespread in the forest."

"How do you do that?" Axel asked, she was trembling.

"Uhm, we are not a murders, so I modified the fog of the mountain men. You know, now my work lab was there." The mechanic said satisfied.

"We are a good team." Octavia smiled at her.

"And now you are dead." Lexa whispered, shooting fast forward.

She took Axel's sword "I'm sorry, but I don't want a new war. I have to do." The commander whispered. Axel was so taken aback that she could not say or do anything. Lexa quickly stabbed her in the heart.

The girl died in her arms as Costia did earlier. "I forgive you." She said, closing her sister's eyes.

* * *

Clarke walked slowly into the room.

Lexa had her naked back, showing to her a very big tattoo.

The blonde one hugged her from the back, touching her belly softly.

The commander could feel the hot breath of the girl on her shoulders. On her skin.

"I'm here." Clarke whispered, but Lexa couldn't answer. She was still crying.

For the first time in her life she was showing her feelings to someone. She never cried in front of her. In front of someone, but in that moment it did not care.

"I'm here." She said again.

"Fuck!" Lexa suddenly snapped, throwing the table to air.

Clarke stepped back quickly. "You scare me." She said.

"I'm sorry, but…"

"It's okay."

"No! It's not ok! I'm not okay!" the commander screamed.

"I know…" Clarke grabbed her cheecks, looking into her eyes. "but it's finished."

"I'm so tired Clarke... I drop everything."

"What does it means?" she asked confused.

"I'll leave. I can't sacrifice myself anymore."

"And what about me?"

"You will be better without me."

"What? No. I need you here. You are the commander."

"It's not enough."

"I…."

"Okay, listen. I have killed my first love and my own sister. I can not carry this burden. I just can't. And I still remember the moment you told me that I hurt you. It's too much."

"So you just leave, quite everything. Me either."

"I'm sorry."

"But first, please, tell me a thing."

Lexa nodded.

"You always break your promises, so promise me you have never loved me."

The commander tried to say something, but the words died in her throat.

Clarke made a step back, still looking in her green eyes.

"Promise me, because I can't going on if you don't tell me the truth."

Lexa took a deep breath, slowly closing her eyes.

"Clarke, I… okay. In my entire life I've always been hers. Of Costia. And now I've killed her because of you. How can you not understand?"

"I understand, Lexa. I loved Finn, but I killed him because of you too. And now I'm still here. I'm here because you have this weird power on me and I can't do nothing. I've tried, but it's too strong. All I want is to be with you. But I'm scared okay? I'm freaking scared because I don't want to be hurt anymore. And you hurt me a lot. How I can fall in love with you if you always threw shit on me? But I do. And Finn is all over me, I can feel his gaze on my skin everytime I wish to kiss you. And believe me, he is here now."

"But, why you never told me this?"

"I told you, I'm scared. So if you go now, I will never forgive you."

"I promise you that I will never love you." The commander whispered.

"So it's true, you 're leaving. I'm not enough for you."

"I've already broken another promise."

"What?"

"I love you, Clarke of the sky people."

And in that moment Clarke kissed her lips, slowly, enjoying every single feeling that contact gave to them. That kiss was sweet and passionate at the same time. When their tongues met, their hearts beating faster in their chests. The time stopped again.

The kiss become salty when Lexa started to cry.

"I'm sorry Clarke, I'm sorry." She whispered on her lips.

"I'm here, I know you are a good person."

"Forgive me, I loved my sister, but she would kill you and I .."

Clarke have never seen her in that way. So fragile. For the first time she was completely naked from her feelings.

"I know, It's okay…" she holded her, taking away some tears from her cheek with a finger.

When Lexa subsided, Clarke quickly kissed her mouth as she wanted reassure her.

"My mom was sick. She would be dead in a couple of week."

"Did Axel know it?"

"No.. she would suffer too much if she had known, and could not afford it. She was just become the queen and a queen can't be weak."

"Why you don't show this aspect of you?"

"Because I'm the commander and I have to protect the people I love. And if the world knows who I love, it would be in danger."

"Well, but your eyes speak."

"I've never told that I'm good in it."

"I right see through you."

"I know, I still remember that afternoon in the tent. Before the battle against MW."

"What about this?" Clarke slowly touched her back, on the tattoo."

"It's gemini constellation. "

"Did you know about constellations?"

"No, but my sister did. She always said that it was our constellation because we were inseparable. Until the day when I became the commander."

"Ow, this is why you took lessons from me."

"Nope, I took lessons from you because I'm in love with you and I only wanted spent time with you."

Clarke smiled, becoming red for the embarrassment.

"Maybe it's time to let our people know that things have changed. Our tradition will be modified, no more pointless

blood will be versed. Not with me in charge." She said, staring at Clarke.

The blondie grabbed her hand, guiding her on the bed.

"Clarke I... I'm not ready. I still want you, but …"

"I know, I understand you, but can you just hold me? I don't want you to leave."

"Even forever if you want it. I'm not going anywhere without you. Not this time." She smiled, lying on the bed holding Clarke's body.

Her head was on Lexa's chest, feeling her beating heart. The commander kissed her forehead again, closing her eyes. Smelling her shell.

She will never forget Costia, or the pain. She will never forget her mother, her sister… but in particular she will never forget the girl who made her alive again.

* * *

**Slayer's corner:**

The end. This is my last chapter about this mini long, but don't worry, I'll be back with a new one soon. I hope.

Another thing that I hope is you people loved my hard work and my fantasy, please, I care about your opinions. Let me a comment, even if it is a critic. Positive or negative, this spurs me a lot. Thank you for follow me.. and we will meet again! (P.s. thanks to the Yang.) Kisses from Italy!


	5. It hurts the most

"Are you sure, Heda?"

"Yes, I am."

"Okay, with your permission…. It is going to hurt."

"I know, but I need that pain. I need to remember that particular."

"Why?" Nyko asked confused.

"It's not your business, you must only do what I command you." The commander paused, rising her gaze. "And I did not ask for questions."

"Yes, commander."

The healer drew the blade in the fire, to disinfect it. He had never done that thing before. He used to heal, not to hurt. But It was the Heda's command and he could only obey.

When the knife was ready a small drop of sweat slid from his forehead. He was scared and trembling at the thought of what he was going to do.

"Okay I'm going to put this cream on your belly, it is for feel less pain, but it will hurt a lot for sure."

"I don't care, I want to feel that pain. Go on." Lexa said safety, in her eyes there isn't a sign of weakness or fear. She was sure about that action.

Nyko nodded, smearing as gentle as possible the cold cream on the skin of the girl.

"three…two…" and in that moment Lexa screamed so loud. The blade cut her skin so bad.

The healer was right, it was hurting as hell.

The blood could not stop to slide from her belly, indeed Nyko immediately removed the knife , dabbing the wound with a wet cloth .

"Are you ok?" he asked worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you." She admitted in a whisper.

"I…" he was worried "I don't think it's a good thing… heda."

"When I want your opinion, I'll ask… for now, we will met in this room every two or three weeks and you will do what I ask to do." Her tone was a little loud this time.

The man nodded, finishing cleaning the wound.

"I finished."

The commander waved it with her head and slowly put on her shirt.

"With your permission, I return to my tend."

"Go, and remember… do not tell anyone about this thing ... or it will be the last thing you will do ."

"Yes." He said, and quickly went out from that room.

* * *

"Let me in!" the blonde girl pushed the guard away.

"That is heda's tend. No one enters without her order."

"I don't care. I don't take orders from her. Now moved and let me in." Clarke pointed the gun at the man, who made a step back, letting her go.

"Sorry command-" the words died in her throat . The gun fell to the ground causing a ping.

"Heda it's not my fault she used that thing against me and I was scared and…" the man could not stop stuttering .

"Leave us." The commander ordered, and tha guard went out. "You too, girls." She ordered to the two beautiful and naked girls in her bed.

One of the two nodded , printing a soft kiss on her lips.

Clarke quickly lowered her gaze to the floor, swallowing her own saliva.

"What are you doing here, Clarke of the sky people?" Lexa was trying to make her tone safe, maybe there was succeeding. But she could feel for sure her heart beat fast in her chest.

"Take your clothes on, commander." The blonde one said.

Lexa slowly got out of the bed. Clarke quickly looked away from her naked body , slightly embarrassed. She turned, showing her cheeks turned red.

"It is no different than how you are, Clarke." The commader said, wearing her usual pants.

"Go fast." She said, but although she had turned almost immediately , she had noticed the six pack of the brown.

"Okay, you can look me again." She finished to put on her top.

"A shirt no?" the blonde asked a little bit intimated.

"I can't , I need to get some air as much as possible to my wound … so, why are you here?"

"I don't really like to make things unfinished. You told me 'may we meet again'… and this is me who find you."

"Are you here to kill me?"

"No. I'm not that kind of person." Clarke paused, looking in those green eyes. "I'm here to forgive you."

"What?" Lexa asked confused.

"At first I hated you for what you did. But then… then I have understand. the weight of your people . The pressure to choose . I've been there myself and then I forgive you ." she admitted. " I just want you to know it."

"I know…." Lexa closed her eyes, breathing deeply. "And I do care, Clarke."

"I know you care, commander, I see through you..did you forget?"

"How could I…" she whispered. Now they were closed to each other.

"So, are you busy?"

"Yeah, always the same stuff."

"I do not mean it that way ... I saw those two girls." She admitted embarrassed.

"Oh… yeah.. no, I mean no. It…"

"Okay, you do not have to give me explanations."

"Clarke, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For betray you. I have punished myself everyday for what I have done. " the commander slowly caressed her wound.

The girl looked at her confused. "What do you mean?"

"I had this wound the night of the battle." Her eyes became glossy.

"But it was months ago."

"I know.. but I had to remember the pain of that night . What I did to you and to myself . I had to remember that love is the greatest weakness." a tear ran down her cheek, even though she was trying to reject. "I'm really sorry."

And in that moment a slap powerful hit her face. Clarke's eyes were full of tears and anger.

"Did it make you feel better ?" Lexa asked in a whisper.

"No. But maybe this can."

The blonde one gently caressed the cheek that she had hit. She looked in those eyes once again and when her lips kissed the commander's ones, her heart stopped to beat.

Lexa kissed her back, surprised.

All the girls she had fucked in recent months had given nothing compared to that simple and sweet kiss.

The contact was interrupted by Clarke when things were pushing further.

The commander could feel her heart beating so fast in the chest.

They looked each other again, before to speak. "I told you, Lexa. I'm here to make things clear. In these months I thought always and only to you . When you kissed me. At this moment."

The other girl felt a weight in the stomach hearing those words. A bad feeling.

"I really think that life should be about more than just surviving. I really needed to taste you again, to understand what I had already understand that evening. I feel something for you."

A small smile appeared on Lexa's face.

"And I know what you feel for me. It's the same, but I don't trust you. And my people don't trust you either."

"Clarke…" the commander tried to say something, but the blondie interrupted her.

"I know you care, I have learned to know you, but I made this decision with my head and not my heart."

Lexa's heart broke into a million pieces , recognizing those words. Her eyes were full of tears as ever before.

"Maybe if you had chosen differently that night , if you had made the wrong choice , things would be different now."

Clarke took the dagger from her side and she cut a lock of her hair. "I just need you to be only the commander of the grounders to me." She took her hand , caressing it, and giving her the lock of hair.

"Are you leaving?" Lexa's item was broken.

"May we meet again, maybe in another life."

Lexa squeezed Clarke's hair a little more when she left the room. Another tear, this was hurting more than that wound on her own belly.

* * *

**Slayer's corner.**

Here I am with another OS. Maybe the last one it was not liked because I have not received any comments. What about this? I really hope in some reviws. Kisses. P.s sorry if I have made errors.


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